No Happily Ever After

 

The man whose hand, I was holding in the above photo, was the man, who would place a wedding ring on my finger, by week's end of this photo being taken
 
The photo to the left appeared in a local publication, in Chicago, with the caption new start and it was, my former husband, not just a medical student anymore, but a physician. I not just a daughter and sister anymore, but a soon to be wife… I do not remember what I was thinking when this photo was taken. I do not even remember the photo being taken; it seems surreal, to me now, as if it happened to someone else… Yet I know it was me, I do know “she” did not know, who she was back then, maybe not even now. I have the memory of the photo, and it was moment in time for me, and it will always remain a part of who I am. My memory... not my history ...

Walking through the door to my Bridal shower

"showers of happiness"... is what the cake read...

Happiness did not come in the manner, I thought it would...

Nor did "Happily ever after"....

and this is what I write about in my Single Mom eBook

Marriage and parenthood, I do believe combining both is the best option for children, as well as society. I also believe “original families”, are better than “blended families”, yet I am realistic and know they are not the norm for many; it was not my “norm” raising my children. I am inclusive enough to be open-minded, in regard to difference, I am not lacking in tolerance, at least in this regard.  I was raised in home with an “original mom and dad”, no stepparents to deal with, or mom or dad’s “partner to deal with” … I was steeped in traditional values, in regards to what a family should look like.

The above photo is of me with my first child ...

I have expanded my concept of family, theologically and philosophically speaking, yet I do not think I have done so in reality speak, as to who I am, at my root. 

I am a mom, who has lived, to see her children’s children, in Scripture this is called a blessing, it reality, it is as well, in thought it makes you ponder. My children make me wonder, did I give them what they needed, both my daughters are very traditional regarding marriage, more so than me, when I was married. They married a lot older than I was; they knew who they were before they married. They brought self into their marriage, I brought need to know self, into mine, a burden no marriage can stand.  

This “single mom journey” of mine, happened a generation ago, during a time I was the anomaly, not the norm as it is now. I have a lingering guilt, was it my generation that set the stage, for this societal dynamic, “disposal marriages and families”. 

My now grown children tell me that my generation was one of selfishness. Funny I do not remember being such, as a single parent. I learned to empty self during those years. I also remember the denying of self, to elevate my children.
               
Every generation sees the present and previous ones as the “bad guys,” or they are labeled the “greatest generation”, I think they are neither. They just are. Moments of time in human history, a person living out there lives, in the circumstances that are presented to them. I am not a fan of pigeonholing anyone into a “brand name”, such as one generation being great, and one being selfish. Everyone has individual worth and dignity and should be looked upon as such. Everyone also has individual failures. To blend all into one pot, and label them as one is unfair, to both the achiever and the failure. I have a strong sense of responsibility, step up to the plate, take the credit when it is due, and take the “hit” when wrong. Own your actions, you created them.
               
             
 My father taught me that history is written by the winners not by truth. I have lived long enough to see, this is a true statement. I also learned that everyone is a walking, “history book” and it is “their truth”, it is their “voice” that speaks it to you. Although I realize, there are two sides to every coin, and everyone “sees” events through their own eyes, as an eyewitness. Interview them, and you will get conflicting reports… The “real truth”, blurred by personal perceptions, of what went on. Still to get to the “truth”, one should be open to hear all sides, not to judge either, but to learn from it. Then maybe, just maybe we as society will produce, the “Perfect Generation” …

Life is tough wear a helmet

Life's tough, get a helmet! No matter your choices in life, your profession … you are going to need to wear a helmet …

 

It is not being dismissive of a person's ordeals in life. You are not telling a person to get over it. What you are saying is life can be and for the most part  is hard, it is challenging learn to survive, let the challenge be a master class of character formation of either getting better or bitter, your choice. Do not remain a perpetual victim in life, learn from the hard times, the rejections, grow from them.

Talk to someone, everyone needs to be heard, and a listening ear can heal, preferable someone who has “been there” or has a skill set to get you out of the trauma so you do not develop lifelong PTSD and stay locked into your moment of pain, so you can move forward in life. I have deep faith and I know that we are never alone, God is with us.

If we are honest no one has had a perfect childhood, no one has had or has perfect parents, if we think differently that is an issue unto itself. We are human and along with our humanity comes imperfection. Parenthood is an art form of sorts, a job, and a total commitment to another human being that is only here because of you. Being a parent should be a 100% commitment if you are not willing to do so, maybe you should not take that leap into parenthood.

I am a Catholic and the church teaches it is the job of “mother church” to teach “the children of God”, that be the laity to have a well formulated consciousness and through that they will survive and ethically function in life and be an asset to society. A well formulated consciousness takes time to cultivate, and it can be challenging at times and human nature will resist.

Much like the job of a parent it takes time, and you will run across resistance at times, from society, they will judge you, label you, sometimes make false allegations against you … you need to push forward and keep the end goal in sight a grown child with the ability and courage to stand alone if need be, academically prepared, who knows themselves, their weakness and their strengths … That is the job of a parent a mom, and it is not a job for the faint of heart or a part time commitment. As they say “a woman cannot be a little bit pregnant”, she either is or she is not … my philosophy is your cannot be a little bit of a mom, you either give it your all or do not do it … or may I quote Yoda…

You cannot “test drive” motherhood … or fatherhood …

You need to take ownership of your actions in life, most especially when it involves children …

 

 

I have gone "paper"

My single mother or ruthless dictator eBook is now available in “paper”.

I have had many people tell me, they prefer “paper” books to digital ones and Amazon graciously helped me make this possible, for most of my eBooks.

I changed the book jacket on this “paper version”, the story remains the same as it is in the digital version.  

https://www.amazon.com/dp/1696585902

The Lion King

Yesterday was the birthday of my youngest grandchild,  all of my grandchildren are great grace to me.

Since I live relatively close to my daughter who is the mother of this grandson, I was able to readily visit this little boy in the hospital when he was born. 

The first time I met my grandson his pediatrician walked into the room after me and examined the small child. I watched as he did so as did my sister-in-law who was with me … The physical exam was routine for a newborn to have … then this doctor did something I have never seen before and I will always remember … the doctor held this tiny child in his one hand and lifted him upwards and kissed the baby’s back as he did  ( as if he was giving thanks that this new life came into the world and he was offering praise to God) … it was amazing to see a doctor do this …

Bad choices

Opposite attract but they cannot maintain (as in a relationship). I think back on my marriage, my former husband was the opposite of me in all manners … I like funky things and talking to all kinds of people, no matter their status in life, my former husband not so much. I like to work a room and meet everyone in it … my former husband not so much. He had pretty much a flat affect and I was always flying high.

  

My former husband is from a small town in the Wisconsin and the town and people who lived there, when I first met him were very much Parochial school … very class minded … if you had money you did not talk to those who did not … I remember being “schooled” by my former mother-in-law, for talking to the help at one of their nursing homes and for wearing jeans or even pants … a “lady wore” dresses in that town!  And I also recall one other thing that ticked my former mother-in -law off,  I always walked barefoot in the house… she hated that and said “it was peasant feet” to do so … so I tried to do it more just to tick her off and I also continued to talk to everyone ..

 On some level I might have been “Yankee trash” or a New York liberal to her … a position I loved to have ... I married very young and if I saw a weakness in your character I would hit you on it … especially if I thought you were being a snob … I still do!  

  

But one of the many things that destroyed my marriage was my former husband’s attitude towards women … in the beginning I thought it was “cute” or maybe he was just jesting … until I realized,  no… it was a mind frame… such as when my former husband was in medical school there was only one woman in his class … she was 40 years old, older than the average med student, her name was Faith … My former husband would always say, why is she there, she is taking up a seat that a man could have …

Then I watched how his family treated his own mother … and I started to feel bad about how I busted on her with the way I dressed … her children and her husband gave her no respect at all… and it is true you want a good husband watch how they treated their mother growing up and as an adult … Poor Helen had no respect given her, she was tolerated at best and cheated upon. And this was the example the father (my former father-in-law) gave his sons as to how women are to be treated, with disrespect and to be cheated upon …

Once we had daughters I thought about this long and hard … and decided nope my daughters will be treated with respect and be that woman in a medical school if they choose to be …

Ancestry and DNA and the selling of sperm

Researching family roots is fascinating to me, through this I have found a few startling facts within my ancestors and distant relatives. 

I had my DNA researched on both ancestry and 23 and me sites, you can sign up to be notified by others if your DNA matches theirs … I chose to do this on a limited level. In doing so a woman once emailed saying she thinks we are related. After researching my personal family line I could not find any direct connections to her or her family tree other than the fact that our DNA seemed to match in a few key places.

So I asked this woman more about her family (growing up) what was her family life like and her parents like … she said her father was a medical doctor and had passed away a few years prior to her doing her DNA test … and that she was aliened, from her siblings and she wanted to research her family line (hey I get that you can choose your friends, but not your family).

Since there are physicians in my family as well … I thought … wow it must be in our DNA to be doctors! So I asked this woman what medical school did her dad go to and when did her parents marry …  

Then I started to learn things that disturbed me a bit, from this woman … she told her parents struggled while her father was in med school (many people do during this time of training). So her father would sell “his sperm” to make ends meet… now this was back in the 1960’s when such things were not common and since her father was in med school his sperm went for “big money” … ok that creeped me out a bit and I asked her,  “didn’t your mother mind her husband was doing this?”  The woman replied not at all … now I am thinking OMG … there could be dozens of children in the world fathered by this man …. So I asked this woman, how long did your father do this? She answered for his entire time in med school … WOW that is 4 years and WOW this man could literally have hundreds of biological children in the world…

And somehow a member of my family DNA line along the way had to have received this man’s “sperm donation” that it is coming up in a DNA test in my family line … and I thought about the moral implications of all of this and all the men who donate or sell their sperm … and the children produced … talk about “dead beat dads” these men top the list on a moral and ethical level … not to mention a on DNA level as to what physical / health issues a child may encounter in their lives …

 so it was shocking for me to learn that many medical students did this routinely to make money in the 1960’s and 70’s .. How a future doctor would think that was ok is beyond me and how any wife would think that was ok is totally beyond me …

And I thought about “personal moral compasses” as to one’s actions in the world and how what is done in darkness truly affects the world in general and light will eventually be shone on these deeds.

The proper use of a table

I have been interviewing grandmas’ to hear their stories on being a grandmother and their dealing with their adult children … there is definitely a common thread … we all agree being a grandparent would be a lot easier and fun if we did not have to deal with the parents.

Parents control the ability of a grandparent to have a relationship, with their grandchildren. The parents are the ones who also teaches the child to reach out to the grandparent … There was a time in society where “elders” were treated with respect and it was duty of the younger members in the family to check on the older members of the family and to help them… This is not the case anymore in families, or it is rare … Yet these same “modern families” claim they are teaching their children what family is … not so much …

I have heard about grandmas that are very engaged, with their grandchildren for they have been afforded the opportunity to be so … and I have been told about grandparents who are into themselves, all they do is travel and dine out in life, family is a non-started to them. As if they had children only as an experience not a commitment …I heard about poor grandmas who have been abandoned by their families ... 

Hands down one of the funniest grandma story’s came from a 92 year old “grandma” … she spoke of watching her grandson one day and how the little boy loved to climb on furniture… This grandma was horrified to learn that her small grandson was not being taught not to do such things…

So one day when her grandson climbed on a table … grandma said this to her grandson … “Tables are for glasses not little asses”…  

When the child went home that day, he immediately told his mother, what grandma had taught him … with a “mommy did you know tables are for glasses and not little asses?”   

That phrase is now ingrained into that family unit! You go grandma!!!! And remember to tell your climbing grandchildren where to put their glasses and where to put their little asses …    

The trap of giving marital advice

I have learned in life to stay out of anyone’s marriage … it is a no win situation and it can be infuriating as well … to be frank, I do not need anyone to do an “emotional dump” on me about their spouse, I have my own emotional issues thank you… do not need a serving of yours… usually the spouse who complains the most is the one most at fault … If you are unhappy and cannot work it out leave the relationship. No one is called to be a martyr “in love” … a person named Jesus Christ already took on that role.

Love is not a “feeling” it is a commitment, first to self as in you made the choice and then to the one to whom you chose to be with … It is ok to say,  “I made a mistake this is not working out and leave”, it is also ok to say,  “ I will stay and work it through”… it is a call of the heart and the tolerance level of the individual … as to what is acceptable personally … If you are staying in a relationship out of guilt you are placing on yourself or others place on you … not a good thing … if you are “just settling” not a good thing either … demeaning  to yourself and to your partner  …

The grass is never greener in the next yard … every relationship is hard and needs work … relationships and marriage should never be a “need” as in you need to be married, it should be a “choice” as in you are choosing to be with someone … and if you do not know yourself, you can never know someone else. If you are bringing your own emotional baggage into a relationship, you will always accuse your partner of having the baggage you have not unpacked yourself ...  

        

How to train your dragon …or in some cases your mother

Helpful hints for mom …

My daughter sent me this book, so I could distinguish between what it means to be a “good granny” as opposed to being a “bad granny” … and she was kind enough to make it a picture book …

What this book has done in the way of self-improvement was to give me more ideas on how to walk on the wild side of being a granny … so thank you … daughter!  

Man I am always too early or too late in life

40 year ago I was given a “million dollar moment” or at least a million plus hit /viral video and did not know it!

Well to be fair…  There was no YouTube 40 years ago … 

but I see a little boy on YouTube is a star for something he did when my youngest daughter did this all the time as child!!! It is not fair that kid’s mother is marketing her kid’s talent and his hanging tough to a lie….. When my own daughter’s talent in this area went unnoticed to the public as a child….

Let me explain….

My youngest daughter always liked to draw… …Naturally I had purchased  her crayons, markers, paints and the socially acceptable place to draw and express her talent .. Paper and coloring books …

Yet magically I would find on my walls “primitive art works”… … Stick people with a signature underneath each drawing with a backward “D” signature on the bottom … the funny thing was my youngest daughter signed her name the exact same way at the time and although I am not an art critic I saw similar style to the art work on my walls and the art work being created,  by this daughter on paper …

So I took this daughter and we stood before the primitive art piece drawn on my wall and I asked her “did you do this”... Her reply with a straight face “No I didn’t” …

 my next question, well it looks like the stuff you draw on paper and it is signed with your name … So I will ask you again... did you do this… without skipping a beat or looking in the least bit guilty again she said,  “No I did not do it”…

 now I am a bit annoyed.. Not that she drew on the wall but for the fact with a straight face this kid is lying to me… and I wanted to teach her a lesson in personal responsibility … if you make a mistake “own it” so we can move on …

So now I am thinking how can I make this kid fess up … so I point out to this daughter look the “D” in your name (on the drawing on the wall)  is backwards just like you sign all you other drawings .. 

So one last time … did you do this … there was a bit of a pause as if this kid was calculating in her mind … Hmmm that is compelling evidence how am I going to overcome the obvious … her answer was “my sister did it”…

So now I am thinking OMG….. This kid will not just fess up to her “crime” and now she trying to convince me she was framed by her sister … now I have a mental picture … this kid is destined to be a politician …

So my next question to her was … so you are saying your sister, “set you up to get into trouble me with?” … her answer was “yes I did not do it”… 

  

Fast forward 40 years and this daughter will still not admit to me she “drew on the walls” and she holds firm to the “fact” that anytime she got into trouble as a kid it was because her sister set her up…  

I recently viewed a little boy who also draws on walls / mirrors and refuses to fess up that he did it… I think in another life time that kid and my daughter must have been friends!

Don’t play with your food and sit up straight

I was a tough mother, no getting around it … I was strict... How strict … well my brother would threatened his children if they did not behave, they would have to spend the summer with Aunt Mary, strict. And his children would normally change their behavior, with the threat of boot camp at Aunt Mary’s.

One of the many things I was “tough” about was table manners … sit up straight , elbows off the table, chew with your mouth closed, use your fork not your fingers, don’t slurp your soup  … napkins on your lap … things which in my mind separates us from the animals in the woods!  To the mind of a child it is dinner with Satan … 

I do not like “playing with your food either”… do not overload your plate, then you cannot finish the food and then you sit there and “play with your food”… or with a kid they hate veggies so they play with their veggies or accidentally drop them on the floor or feed them to the dog.

Or in the case of my eldest daughter when it came to eating her veggies (especially peas) she would become a Thespian right at the dinner table … 

with a dramatic grabbing of her throat and then she would proceed to gag or perhaps dry heave at the mere taste of one pea on her palate (she only had to eat 3 peas) to show me she would at least try them …  I would sit and watch this child of mine do her dramatic pea routine at the dinner table and think this kid would make a really good actress … her ability to method act is intense …

if anyone were to walk into the room and see her they would swear she was being abused and forced to eat something poisonous and vile .. I was impressed … and sure enough she did go on to act in plays during her  high school years and she was a really good actress … 

I wonder was it the ”pea drama” that sparked this talent in her ???     

As for my younger daughter, she liked veggies and hated pizza … wow this kid was like a space alien to me... Preferring healthy food to junk food, which took away my  ability to bribe her with sugar. What are you going to say “if you’re good I will give you a carrot?”... 

It seemed so unnatural to me! 

Whereas with my eldest daughter give her a bag of French fires and I owed her …      

This is why I was so shocked when I saw my youngest daughter craved up a fruit .. knowing she likes veggies and fruit so much .. look what she did to this poor pumpkin...