Epilogue … on being a single mom

I was tough on my daughters in many ways when they were children, I insisted on self discipline so they would achieve in life and not be dependent on anyone ... My view of marriage is that it should be a choice not a necessity for a woman ... that a woman can stand alone and choose to either be married or stay single ... if she "needs to be married"... she will always  be "needy" and I pity the poor man married to such a woman. Gone are the days of Prince Charming and weak fairy-tale princesses, I think marriages are healthy now they are more equal and parenting is equal as well ... no more "woman's work or that is man's work" it is family's work ... 

I am an extremely independent person and some may say I lead an unconventional life, with myself I am basically conservative, with my spirituality and faith I guess you would say I am liberal. I do not believe I have the right to push my lifestyle on anyone in the name of religion. If I cannot show you by example "I believe in God"... my faith is dead.. I believe a true person of faith, becomes attractive to others... they see in your life inner stability, in the good times and bad and they want to know how you got it and maintain it ... then you can speak about God ... this has nothing to do with the things of the world ... you can be living on the street and have such inner light, actually I have seen this light more often in the poor ....

 I am passionate about the rights of children and women, and if you hurt a child, God may forgive you but I never will and I will fight to find a way to bring you to justice (this is probably why I am so passionately against the sexual abuses within the Church it hits me on 2 primary fronts ... my love of Jesus Christ and my love for all children)    

I am happy to report I graduated

Cheers to all Single Moms

Yes it is true ... I passed all the tests given to a "single mom"... and I'm now a graduate of SMU (single mom university) it was a long road with many bumps and breakdowns along the way.

So why,  do I keep my single mom eBook posted. To lend moral support to all other single mom's and tell them Do Not Give Up, it gets better, and if by reading my eBook, they can find a few hints on being a single mom all the better!   ...

I can say,  I gave it my all ... no matter the final outcome ... I spent all of me on this vocation called motherhood ... was it worth it on all levels ... only God knows that answer ... do I have and get the respect one would think any mother is due ... again only God knows the answer to these things ... but I have respect for myself that I did the right thing ... that there are 2 women in the world who can hold their own ... that was my job and mission complete!   

Touchy subject but here goes “religion and God”

Two things you should avoid speaking, about “religion and politics” … it will only start an argument that neither party will win, so why start the conversation... Yet I come at the topic in a different manner … the concept of “higher self”, as in there being something or someone “bigger than they are” who is always there for them … There will many times in the life of your child as a youngster and as an adult where they will feel “lost and defeated in life” … that life has no meaning … when a child is given faith and a concept of God,  they can many times make it through those “hard times in  life” successfully … faith gives you the capacity to “hang on”… faith gives you “hope” when all seems hopeless and lost … To give a child “faith” is a great gift so please gift your child with faith in someone greater than they.

Dead beat dads and the importance of grandparents

I know many single mothers do not have any financial support, from the fathers of their children, or it is minimal  

 If not for my parents my young daughters would never have had “ponies, riding lessons, dancing lessons, music lessons, skating lessons, clothing to wear, many times food to eat, heat and electricity in our house,  vacations, toys, Christmas gifts, birthday gifts and parties …  My parents provided all of that in full for my daughters (their granddaughters) ……

(Please read my eBook; Single Mom or Ruthless Dictator, to learn about my background with the above)

Children are not mini adults

A child is not a smaller version of self and as such they need guidance and instructions on how to be adults. A child will learn what they live … they see and are given love they will learn to love… they see and are given compassion they will learn to be compassionate… they see and experience violence they will learn to be violent … Children on some level are like  giant recording devices of environment  and society, they will replay in their lives what they see at home and in society … It is up to the parent to erase within their child concepts that are destructive to themselves and society in general … you can control what is within your home, not so much outside the home … so dialogue with your child every day is important … you see a bad habit forming in your child,  try to redirect the behavior if you need a third party to help you with your child’s behavior get help, no shame in seeking help it is actually a good parent that does this … same with your child’s academics if you see them struggling in school seek help for them … there are many free programs in public schools that can help a child in various areas of need. This will also teach the child there are other people in the world other than “mom” who are looking out for them...  so it teaches the child “community”…

Stay strong single moms         

Perfect the way you are

To this I speak mostly about girls, although this can also be applied to boys … Our children are taught by their peers, and society via advertising and bullying that they are flawed … they are ugly… they are too fat (or to skinnier)… they are dumb… no one likes them… they are losers … in essence they are told they have no value and hence no self-worth… now as a kid most will believe that (we all can remember our high school days, tuff time to live through) … a kid at that age will naturally doubt themselves and feel insecure… pile on the garbage another child and society places upon them and it can break some kids, they can fall into depression, they can develop phobias or become isolated.   

Self-worth has to be instilled into a child at an early age their personal value, not only to you, but to themselves… To teach a child there will be times as they grow up that someone else will try to take away their personal value … this is hard for an adult to do never mind a child… but keep bringing home this point to your child “they have worth and value and they are perfect the way they are”.

Sadly the children that bully other children are usually the most damaged themselves and have massive amount of personality defects … they have been allowed to develop a toxic attitude and it poisons society … talk to your kids (everyday) encourage them to share with you their thoughts, their feelings … there will come a time in your child’s life they may not want to talk to you directly… this is normal … maybe work something out with your child … have a third person or a friend be the one the child can talk to … make sure that third party has a similar outlook on life as you do though… similar values and such …

Being a parent is work, 24/7/365 days of work until (well forever)!  Yet single moms I know you are up for the job and you can do it!  I am rooting for you!     

Success is more than money

Of course one needs money to survive in the world; yet what the world really needs is people of character, people who are so outstanding they mark human history. Sadly the single mother has been looked down upon as not being able to raise a child into being such a person. This is especially true of those labeled “conservative married people”… they tend to judge the single mother the most... I will never forget my eldest child’s high school orientation”… The parents had to attend the evening session to be “lectured” as to how be a “good parent to your new high school student” (as if being a good parent only started with your child in high school) … of course the single moms there were only a handful, most of the mothers being married and conservative (it was a religious school) …

And I will never forget the woman who spoke on how to help your child to “adjust” to high school and what you should do as a parent spoke … now this woman was “married” and she was now telling me how to parent my child … but the irony of this woman was her son had been arrested a few times and her daughter was known to her peers to be a bit “fast” and the young girl wore enough makeup to be in the clown section of a circus … and I thought wow … this woman is telling me how to parent??? Maybe she should look into her own family before she gives others advice!

As a single parent you are going to be lectured about how you are doing a disservice to your child by raising them in a single parent home, on how they will grow up twisted, drug addicted losers … yet I have failed to see true stats where that can be proven… Yes there is usually more money in a two parent household, so more “things” can be given to a child growing up, but is there more character in that home???  Maybe not for the child is taught to value things outside themselves not the things within …  

Cheers and well done to the Hard Working single mothers

Generations ago they called it a “work ethic”, a person knew the value of work not only on a financial level but a psychological one as well… work is so much more than a “job”, it affords the person dignity to make their own way in life to not be in need of a hand out … to be able to stand on your own, it gives you self-worth and it also stands as an example to the children you are raising.

 Working is a form of love given to your child … with “I am going to get out there in the world and make money to give you a better start in life” …

 
I think here of the inner City single mothers, who are out the world working to help their children, all while worrying are my kids safe walking home are they safe in their school…

 I think of the single mother coming home after a long day of work and making dinner, helping their children with their homework and helping them through difficult moments I their lives.

 Single working moms … you are all super heroes not only to your children but to society, for you are loving your children and helping them so when they are adults they will do the same for others, like you showed them …  so moms put on your super hero capes as you walk out the door to go to work and show your children, by example how to fly in life!        

Always insecure and second guessing yourself?

As a single mother you cannot help but feel insecure and guilty at times, society as well as your own thinking places that on you. More so in the past (when I was a single mother) then now, but it is still there. You are looked down upon by many, as being pathetic and your children will feel “rejection” at times, because they come from a single parent home … They are labeled “different” to be pity, poor things they will never amount to anything Life… and many times these disparaging remarks come from those who claim to be “religious and charitable”… not so much … 

In the past I might have said “you need to learn to forgive yourself” … but now,  I know there is nothing to “forgive” for your role as single parent, there is nothing sinful in being such, which should make you down on yourself … if other people have an issue with that … it is just that “their issue”, not yours.

That is not to say a parent does not make mistakes in raising their children, we all do and that is not confined to being married or single. On some levels the greatest test in life for a child is surviving their childhood, and that holds true for the parent surviving raising them.  

So when you fall into those “down days thinking”, remember just try your best… that is all we have in life intent and to try our best… it also does not hurt if you add prayer to that mix… there is a God and he is not judging you … God knows, man judges you enough, God does not and will never add to that mix he loves you!    

Me as a young mother my two small daughters to my left.Family party in the backyard of my home, man in front of photo is Uncle Bob from Joilet,  IL... he and his wife Aunt Rose flew in for the party... Uncle Bob owned his own plane and flew into Caldwell airport (where JFK, Jr. kept his plane) ...Uncle Bob took me and my brother flying with him on one occasion and allowed me to sit in the co-pilot's seat ... and even "fly" the plane for a second! Awesome experience ... I can see why he was hooked on flying his own plane,  as was JFK, Jr  

I am your Mother, not your friend …

Basically the above was my mantra and is my mantra with my daughters. I know modern day thought is OMG this woman is a Troglodyte, we are supposed to be our children’s friend!  No we are not… the title mother is to be and always has been in human history “unique and held in high esteem” … the mother is the hand that rocks the cradle and as such it is said,  Mothers are the most powerful people, because they shape their children's personalities. And these personalities (a mother’s child) are who will govern, and add to or distract from society in the future.

I know it is not “current” to say such things as “boundaries” anymore, children are looked upon as being like “chickens” they should be allowed to “free range” in their formative years and discover themselves… on some level that is true but not to extent society is allowing children to do now. Children are a blank page so either “the parent is going to write on that page, or society and its current trends will” …

Single Mom Or Ruthless Dictator

I raised my daughters as a single mom and this book is my story. Single parents were not common when I raised my daughters and single mothers were looked down upon, they still are in many cases. I do not think being a good parent (be it a father or mother) is conditional on being married. Parenthood is a separate and distinct role, nor do I believe that a child in a single parent home is destined to become a failure in life, to the opposite I have found on many occasions … This eBook  is my journey…   

https://www.amazon.com/Ruthless-Dictator-Reality-Reading-Writing-ebook/dp/B003U4W42A?SubscriptionId=AKIAILSHYYTFIVPWUY6Q&tag=duckduckgo-d-20&linkCode=xm2&camp=2025&creative=165953&creativeASIN=B003U4W42A