I should
have posted this story much earlier on this Blog and I should have mentioned it
in my eBook about being a single mother …yet shame was a big part of not doing so .. I
am from the generation where you do not speak of such things … but suicide is
such a big issue in society now, I feel
I must and be completely emotionally and intellectually honest as to what I
walked though as a single parent.. And not sugar coat the truth anymore
The delivery
of my first child was a horrible experience as in the medical care I was given,
in retrospect it was malpractice and I should have sued the doctor. I was very
young and in a troubled marriage and there was no one in the labor and delivery
room to be an advocate for me…
When I was
pregnant with my second child, I developed serious vascular issues and I was
placed on bed rest and medication in my second trimester. The physical pain at
times was overwhelming as was the emotional pain, for my then husband was gone
most of the time. Hence I had to rely on my mother for nearly everything … If
my mother did not have a car she would take a taxi, from her home every day to
make sure I was ok and had what I needed in addition to caring for my 19 month
old toddler (who I could not care for on many days during my second pregnancy, due
to pain and being on bed rest)
This went on
for the entire length of my second pregnancy, my calculated delivery date for
this pregnancy was March 17, yet in late April my OB/GYN doctor stated he
wanted to induce labor … for it was too risky for me to continue my pregnancy … He
said the baby was viable and healthy, but I was not and if the pregnancy
continued I was a great risk for a stroke … I had acute vascular issues plus I
had/have a family history of massive deadly strokes … my grandmother died from
one, two Uncles died from strokes and a stroke is what caused my mother’s death
… So my doctor wanted to end my pregnancy as soon as possible …
My OB doctor
was an Irish Catholic and he said to me (his name was Dr. Campbell now
deceased) … I should never become pregnant again the risk of death/ stroke
during pregnancy for me was to high to take the risk again.
Dr. Campbell
was also aware that my marriage was troubled and he knew for most of my
pregnancy, my then husband was not
around…So when I was scheduled to be induced Dr. Campbell asked my then husband
not to stay at the hospital, but to go home and he would call him when I had
delivered the baby…
I will never
forget what Dr. Campbell did next … he said he would sit by my bedside until it
was time for me to go into the delivery room
… that man was an angel … such a good man … he even sang to me, he sang
Irish lullaby's to me while I was being induced …
Dr. Campbell
also said this ...”I know you are
afraid, but God and I will take care of you” (I was afraid of having a stroke) …
Dr. Campbell went onto say … “I will have to put you to sleep to delivery your
baby” … now with my first delivery I was not put to sleep I had a spinal … so I
asked Dr. Campbell why do you have to put me to sleep??? Dr. Campbell just
smiled and said... “Don’t worry it will be OK”…
I learned
later that I was “put to sleep because of the way my baby had to be delivered”…
they did not want to put extra pressure on the veins in my affected leg … so I
only had one leg in a stirrup and one being closely monitored … which caused
some back issues post the delivery …
Now a woman
with vascular issues is still at great risk post-delivery, and so I was placed
on blood thinners… Started with heparin in the hospital and went home on
Coumadin, which meant I needed frequent blood work … I was also told to limit my activity, wear
compression stockings and elevate my leg at least 4 times a day… now I had a 22
month old at home and a newborn baby and absent husband so this was
overwhelming to me to say the least.. And once again my mother was “all hands
on deck” she was always there … and if not she would hire a babysitter for me
to take care of my 22 month old …
In addition
to all of this … I was 23 years old, the mother of two small children and a
marriage on the rocks... I was overwhelmed, in pain physically and emotionally,
and falling deeper and deeper into postpartum depression (of course I did not
know it at the time)… back then it we called it “baby blues”… no it is so much
more than that … it is black hole and you cannot see any light around you or
any hope for the future …
And I did not share this with anyone, yet those who knew my life could
kind of figure it out … bad marriage, two young kids, hard deliveries and now a
stroke theoretically hanging over me and being told “no more children, too
dangerous” … things seemed pretty bleak for me…
Until one
day... I was due to take my medication (my daily dose of Coumadin)... I decided
to take the whole bottle. I did not plan it … I just did it and I knew by doing
this I would bleed out internally and there was no way it could be stopped …
death seemed the best option at that point in my life …
I had a
“plan” after I took the pills I knew my then husband would be home within two
hours, there was a babysitter there taking care of the kids and I would just
lay on the bed and die there …
Then my 22
month old toddler ran up to me and said “mommy I love you, will you play with
me and stay with me”… I looked at her and started to cry, for her words “stay
with me” exploded in my mind … and I thought… what will happen to her and her
sister if I die …This decision I just made to end my life will affect them for
the rest of their lives … as if by divine providence, my ex-husband came home
early and I told him what I did … we then went immediately to the local
hospital’s ER, where I was given something to throw up the medication … they
did not put anything down my throat that might cause a bleed … I remember just
sitting on a stretcher in the ER vomiting
into a basin and with the ER doctor talking to me and saying … you know
you are clinically depressed, you have post-partum depression … everything was
surreal to me …
I went home
after this and never received any care … I was told my former husband’s career
could be affected by this and I should not let anyone know what I did … so I
remained silent … so I know the power and pain of silence and being told to do
so … only by God’s grace did I survive those times in my life …
So why do
even bring this up now the story is 44 years old … because the story is not 44
years old to those who contemplate suicide now … it is in the here and now …
and to tell family friends do not force your friend, your family member to
remain silent in the face of depression … because it suites you or your career
… speak up and get them help …
And also to
let society know , the ones who really will kill themselves will not tell you a
head of time (like I did not threaten suicide to anyone, I just tried to do
it)… and if not for my 22 month old daughter,
I would have succeed ….
So for those
who think “suicide” and are not telling anyone about your thoughts … I have
been there and literally did that … it is not worth it … hang on life changes,
it always does … please I beg of you hang on I care, get help … I know you were
made to do and be someone in this world and the world will be a darker place if
you are gone … we need you, I need you and I know your pain …
do not die from despair ... you are more than your despair
Dying
of despair…
I
am dying here … don’t you flip’n see, I am dying here… hence I scream in pain…
I am screaming through my alcohol, my drugs, my money, my education, my
position and status … I am dying here… to truth … that I am more … I run in the world so you can see, I am dying
here …
